© 1997, 1998 Streamline Publications

She was blond and built. She entered my office like maple syrup caressing a stack of flapjacks. She was wearing gum boots. Being a gumshoe myself I notice these things. The manure on her boots did nothing to distract from the look of panic she shot across the room at me with eyes like lime jelly beans.
"My cows are starving," she said, nervously chewing on her fingernail. I hoped she had washed her hands.
"You consider feeding them?" I asked. She didn't look dumb, but who could tell?
"I am feeding them, you fool, and they're still starving. That's why I'm here. It's a mystery."
Her story about a super dwarf named Fescue starving her cows didn't make sense to a city boy like me. So I got a four-figure retainer for my services and sent Miss Muffet back to her cows.
When you don't know where to start on a case like this you go to an expert, you ask questions and try to get out before you get handed the bill. The name "Albright" kept coming up. I tracked him down in Camarillo.
"Mr. Albright?" I asked the man sitting at the cluttered desk. He eyed me curiously for a moment then a smile crept across his mouth.
"That's me. What can I do for you?"
"I'm a private investigator and I'm trying to track down a super dwarf named Fescue who's been starving Miss Muffet's cows. She's nearly out of curds and whey and is getting desperate."
Albright leaned back in his chair and swung his long legs up on the desk. "Endophyte," he said. "You should be looking for an endophyte."
"Who is this Endophyte character and what about the super dwarf named Fescue?"
"Super dwarf fescue is merely endophyte's host but they seem to be inseparable."
I was becoming semi-confused. "Okay, so they're room mates, but how come this Muffet dame's cows are starving?"
Albright stood and drew a long slender stalk of grass on the chalk board.
"When super dwarf fescue turf grass was developed it seemed to have a lot going for it. Disease resistance looked real good. Insects wouldn't go near the stuff. But it was a biological smoke screen. See, the fescue happened to be host to an endophyte—a parasitic plant living within the fescue. It was the parasite that the bugs couldn't stomach. They would have loved fescue à la carte."
I was still confused. "That doesn't clear up who has been starving Muffet's cows."
Albright looked at me patiently. "Mister...ah..."
"Neophyte," I said, "Sam Neophyte," hastening to add, no relation to this Endophyte character.
"Mr. Neophyte, what does a parasite like to bite?"
My exwife's face flashed across my memory. "Well, I guess the parasite eats the host."
"Correct. Endophytes ate the super dwarf fescue but they exuded a toxic substance that not only kept insects away, it interfered with the digestive tract of the cows. They ate the grass but couldn't digest it. And it plays havoc with the animal's reproductive system."
"What if super dwarf and endophyte are split up?"
"Then super dwarf is a lot more susceptible to disease."
The pieces fell into place. I thanked Albright and waited a few days to call Miss Muffet. After all, I charge by the hour.
She poured herself into a chair in front of my desk. No gum boots this time. She listened to my explanation, never taking her eyes off me, moving slightly in her gold lamé jump suit.
"Case closed," I said after explaining. "Plant VISTA DWARF BRAND Turf-Type Tall Fescue Blend for lawns and General Purpose Pasture Mix for cows, from S&S Seeds, Miss Muffet."
"Call me Lolita," she said, moving to my side of the desk.

Continued

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